Fear of being dependent
After all my years of becoming codependent in my alcoholic marriage and completely financially dependent upon my XAH, I am finding that I fear becoming dependent on anybody else (especially my bf) to the point where it really bothers me.
I currently live with my bf. He genuinely wants me to succeed, he is my biggest cheerleader. By living with him I've saved about $500 a month in household expenses alone including rent, utilities, cable, food, etc.
Now, he's trying to get me to sell my car and drive his older (15 year old Audi A4) to save me $400 a month ($330 car payment on a 2011 Toyota that I owe $15k on plus insurance). He already has a 2014 Grand Cherokee and my son has a 2005 Lexus that's in very good condition as well. When I balked at driving a small car, he told me we'd share the cars and he would only need the Jeep when he has custody of his kids. He even told me that if I want to sell my car, drive the Audi for a while, and then we'll trade the Audi in or sell it and use the funds as a down payment for a car for me next year or in 18 months or so. We never really set a timeline, honestly.
The offer is tempting. I hate debt. I hate owing more on a car than it's worth and I'm pushing that number right now at maybe a break even if I sold it soon as a private party deal.
My concern is that I live in HIS house. Mortgage is in his name. The cars would be in his name (although my name is still on my son's car), etc. I feel like I've given up some of the freedom that I craved for so very long being in a dysfunctional abusive relationship. Yet, I know that my bf's intentions are to help me. I know his motivation and it does not come from a place of control. He wants to see me get out of debt, he wants to help stop the bleeding and I truly don't have a lot of options here until I build a career and make better money than I'm making now.
I hesitated to move in with him because I didn't want to give up my place, the way I had things arranged, how hard I had worked to be on my own, etc. Yet, it's been nearly 3 months and I'm over that now. I love my new home. I love our family and what we have together. But, I'm not ready to get married any time soon and he doesn't seem to be either. Actually, the word 'wife' nearly makes me sick to my stomach because I hear how my XAH used it in conversation: like I was an extension of himself or that I was his possession. All I hear is ownership when I think of a husband/wife relationship and it pains me to feel this way because I know, in my heart, that marriage can be a beautiful thing. I'm really quite jaded about marriage honestly.
Now, I'm hesitating over this car thing. I'm contemplating writing up an agreement. Not sure how that would read. UGH.......