So last night I found this book on Amazon titled
202 Ways To Spot A Psychopath In Personal Relationships. I got about halfway through it before I learned everything I did and didn't want to know, all for the low, low price of $.3.99 (that and about a year of therapy).
I really don't know what he's going to
feel when my stepmom dies in order to gauge what it is that he's going to need from me. I know he's going to feel sorry for
himself. That much is a given. There were a couple of times when he remarked to me "I just hope this never happens to you", not "I hope this never happens to your "spouse" or "boyfriend".
As I work through this matter and put 2 and 2 together, there is something he
did need from me, and when I turned him down I think that's around the time when he started becoming increasingly abusive and when I felt myself becoming once again disposable.
Around May of last year when I flew out to visit I was feeling better than I had in years on my mood stabilizers, and I offered to help in any way that I could in the event that my stepmom's condition should take a turn for the worse. Then in late spring / early summer of this year I had one of the worst manic episodes I ever had in my life. It ended around the beginning of June. Then just as I was regaining stability, it was revealed to my Dad and stepmom during the first week of July that her second course of treatments had failed. It was at that time that my Dad had told me that he would need me to fly out to help. Of course I was very apprehensive given my recent manic episode and as I didn't want to trigger another one. I had to tell him I just couldn't do it. I suggested that he reach out to hospice, and that they were good, well-trained, sensitive people. I was trained to SAVE people, not assist people to die. It would have been HUGELY traumatic for me. My stepmom had been absent for the past 30 years of my life, I hadn't even gotten to know her beyond that she had made no effort to reach out to me and now I would have to watch her DIE??
Prior to that, my Dad had said to me on the phone that he would need me to run errands, let the dogs out, etc. The bottom line is that he didn't want anyone else around so he could have her to himself and not let anyone observe his weaknesses (or whatever). He just wanted to shove me in a corner to do his dirty work. And he said the queerest thing to me: "She wants you here because she LOVES you." I just couldn't wrap my brain around that one. Why on EARTH would someone who loves someone else want them to watch them DIE?? And she has never expressed more than an ounce of love toward me.
So anyway, it wasn't until I told him that I was unable to make myself available that his behavior started becoming increasingly abusive and more and more remote.
From the outside looking in it might seem like all of this might just push someone over the edge, but really, I'm ok. I'm dealing. I've been through a lot in my life and I have a good support system. If nothing else I have detachment to fall back on, and while it might not be the "right" way to deal with matters, it's been a somewhat effective self-defense mechanism. It has helped TREMENDOUSLY to come here to untangle all of these mixed thoughts and emotions and gather some opinions. My goal is acceptance. I'm almost there.