When will enough be enough for me? *PLEASE, please, be gentle (yet honest) with any responses... I have so much self-loathing right now it is terrible. I am so mad at myself. Thank you*
Two other nights I went out with a friend and drank. I had an option to go to an AA meeting but made the STUPID decision to have some drinks and proceeded get completely hammered.
For some unknown stupid reason I got my friend to drive to my ex's farm. This man (my ex) was extremely emotionally abusive and I am co-dependant. Without him I feel quite lost. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, GAD, and Major Depression.
So my ex asked me to leave because I was obviously drunk and somehow we quickly got into a heated argument. As I was leaving he started arguing with my friend and then tried to run me over with his power wheelchair which ended up parked on my foot. After screaming at him to get off my foot I slapped him in the face. He recoiled, and I left with my friend. My ex called the police and told them I assaulted him. So when I got home the police were there and they arrested me for assault, and breach of probation. (Yes, I've been in trouble with the law before. It has ALWAYS happened while drunk).
So, once again, I woke up in a jail cell. And if it wasn't for the fact they released me on my own recognisantz (sp?) I would be held in jail as my parents would not act as a surety.
And so now I have p*issed off my ex, family, friends. And this terrible cycle of terror, crisis, and drunkenness has continued. I desperately want off this crazy train.
I am trying not to feel hopeless but truthfully, I feel so hopeless. I've been to rehab a few times. I've done an outpatient program twice. Tried AA for a brief time (though I don't think I gave it a fair shot), completed a DBT program, had counselling, etc etc. I guess I'm missing something though, and I think it's my lack of follow through. I need to keep it up. I need to remember every single day that my health and sobriety is my #1 priority no matter what.
My quit date will be Aug. 16 (Tuesday). I always go through this....whenever I've had a crisis and quit drinking without prep it has failed in days. When I've had the most sober time I picked a quit date and emotionally and mentally prepared for it. I know everyone is going to say make today day 1. I've quit so many times and I know picking a day very soon works the best for me. Then of course, I need a recovery plan and I have to continue to FOLLOW THROUGH! I need to hold myself accountable and stick to my plan.
This has to be it. If I continue like this I will end up killing myself either by accident when I am really drunk, or by suicide when I am really drunk (I often become very depressed and suicidal when really drunk lately). I can't trust myself right now. I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome this. I can't do this to my poor family anymore either. An active alcoholic hurts many at a very deep level. Of course SR will be part of me recovery plan. I've got to come up with the rest of my plan and DO IT.
I also need to change my mindset of "I am going to fail" to "I am going to overcome this and heal one day at a time".
Thanks for listening.
