texmex02

I am new here, hope I am posting in the right section.

For years I have thought I am not an alcoholic and not had a drinking problem, but that my girlfriend does.

I am 40 and she is 37. After living together for 5 years I recently split up with her and asked her to move out due to her drinking.

I am what I consider anyway a social drinker, with friends, can be a heavy social drinker. I can take alcohol or leave it when I am alone, or eating dinner out, etc, but when I get together with the boys, go on vacation, or attend a party, I can drink a decent amount of beer. And sometimes I drank too much. More on that in a minute.

My girlfriend as well loves drinking and we had centered our dating lives around alcohol. Our initial dates were alcohol-fueled and that trend continued for years. She had also been a drug user in the past but her DOC has been alcohol lately. Most things we did had alcohol involved, more her choice than mine as the years went on.

Probably the biggest differences between us when it came to alcohol were the frequency she was drinking, and the way her personality changed when she drank.

I will drink, usually have a few and then realize it's time to call it a day. On the rare cases I drink too much, I have blacked out / lost time or passed out. My personality does not change, I do not get angry, if anything I get happy, then sleepy, then out.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, has a different reaction to the alcohol. After a few drinks her personality changes. A switch flips that I can almost see where she starts getting louder, obnoxious, wants to fight, etc. She rarely passes out and instead just amps up on the obnoxiousness and destruction. It has caused many a scene in years past.

As a result of this I had been drinking significantly less in the hopes she would follow suit. Encouraging ordering soda or water with dinner, not drinking at home at all anymore, etc. She had been doing the opposite -- Ordering lots of drinks with meals, drinking them fast, doing a ton of drinking at home by herself, and drinking binges when I was out of town with friends (though admittedly, on camping trips with the guys I would drink a bunch too).

So, I guess I am here because first off - I am not sure if it is a problem, but more so, I am wondering if I am a hypocrite. My girlfriend loves me and she did not want to break up. But I had become unhappy with her level of drinking and the fear of having to corral her at any events where there was booze, and her drinking frequency at home. I had all but stopped drinking except when with my friends because I was turned off by seeing what it did to her.

So, she's gone now and it sucks. And ironically now that she is gone, I have noticed my drinking has picked up a bit again. My friends came into town for a visit and 2 nights in a row I drank beer until I passed out on the weekend. And this weekend, I also am drinking at home alone (about 6 beers or so). Now, I am feeling like a hypocrite. I kicked her out of my life for being whatever she is (alcoholic/problem drinker/etc) and not wanting to stop, and here I find myself drinking too much myself.

Granted, I am still nowhere near the level she was drinking and I don't get angry or change personality (just drink, get sleepy, pass out these last few times) but I feel guilty for judging her now that I am drinking too.

I am not sure if there is a difference between us, I certainly have always felt like I am in full control of alcohol and had a different relationship with it than someone who craves it, and thought that she was more on the other side of the spectrum. In the past she had told me she got edgy when she saw people drinking in person or on TV and I never felt that way at all. I do enjoy the buzz but I hate hangovers and I hate that feeling of waking up after I pass out due to too much drink.

Oh and one more thing - Drinking made her sick all the time, I have not gotten sick from drinking in over 20 years.

Anyway, I am not sure if I even merit a response here, just wanted to get this out there, to see what you thought. I am not worried about my drinking, but if I find I am developing a pattern of drinking beer alone at home to the point I pass out, I am going to need to stop or limit myself to 1 or 2. But I am a little mad at myself for throwing away a relationship for something on the basis of it being a potential problem that I have too.

Is there a meaning to be found between someone who drinks and gets happy vs someone who drinks and gets angry and becomes a different person?

Is there a meaning to be found in someone who questions if they are drinking too much vs someone who never thinks that it is a problem?

Thank you for listening.