SeriousKarma
I don't have kids. In the last year after a series of complicated life changes that don't contribute to the "storyline," I current share my home with a woman my age and her son who is 18.
My relationship with him has pushed buttons I did not even know I had. He is a pretty good young man but I kept getting pulled into a codependent dance with him around a variety of topics. I kept excepting to "niceing," him into chores, schoolwork etc.
In the last couple of weeks something shifted for me (it took long enough). That is old stuff for me.
As long as I am making and keeping it about me I can't be wrong in my interactions with him. For me self care was part of it. For me in this relationship it ranged from little things (like using the washer/dryer to big things like what type of energy I choose to spend my time on). If I put myself and my needs first and am careful to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean I can't be "wrong," for either of us. Showing him an adult being genuine and true is not only a gift to me, but a gift to him.
Finally last week I told my beloved therapist....."Who would have guessed a relationship with an 18 year old was just what I needed to work through that next layer of recovery."
To me it sounds like you are in the "messy" middle of recovery. Old behaviors not working, but new behaviors not in place. It is always right to be compassionate with ourselves around this.