Originally Posted by
sleepie 
Zjw, what was it like, can you pm me if you don't want to put it here? I was so discouraged last week when I embarked on exercise in the heat, only to be ill for the weekend. I really just cannot do hot weather. The few cooler days we had here, I was happy and active and got a lot of things done, even cleaning quite a bit. But here in the thick of august I feel physically ill and just like people complain about in the winter, sad that I can't go out and exercise and feel depressed and housebound. My whole mood just crashed.
it was awful? I felt like i was on the razors edge of sanity all the time. at 6 months sober or so I felt like i still had these electrical zaps going on like felt like i was being shocked down my spine down my arms and legs out my fingers and toes. It seemed like no one understood this. I was still ruminating in all my thoughts. oh and the depersonalization derealization stuff was a fun treat as well tho I grew to embrace that and was actually kinda happy everything felt fake to me as if i was just a fly flying around in someone elses play of life. Life felt fake to me like something off of a movie set. I lived in a my own little bubble for a while too why? .becuase it was safe there. I'd stick my head out now and then only to get it lobbed off by some crap circumstance of life so it was easier to just withdraw and hide. IT was an effective strategy and i think the derealization and such was my brains way of protecting me from going totally insane.
I couldnt cope with a damn thing. ANY little thing i was blowing a gasket. My wife recently told me how scared she was during this time becuase i was os mentally ill and so far gone. I had no idea she realized it was so bad here i thought i was containing it all for her sake. I guess enough was seepig out i could only hold back so much. That being said i do sometinmes wish someone woulda just carted me off tot he phsyche ward so i could be officially be declared insane instead of sitting on the endge of insanity terrified that maybe i was.
I had all kinds of odd health stuff going on too. That looking back i can only declare it was nothing other then my body getting off booze still and detoxing. The list of ailments is long and many things i've forgotten till i read someones post here and i'm like oh good god yeah i remember those days.
Doctor told me its all normal your getting older you have a wife and kids life is stressful its ok to feel this way. I dont think he was quite getting just how Eff'd up i was. perhaps i was not conveying it well or was afraid too let out what all was really going on?
I still felt like crap i still wondered why i bothered to quit drinking. LIfe still SUCKED. i mean i always say life was only a hair better every 30 days or so. and it was borderline enough to make me wanna stay sober. was like well maybe this will take forever to feel better? or well this still sucks but at least its not as crappy as day 1 was i guess *sigh* so i kept going.
I dunno I hate to talk about how crappy it was sometimes I think some folks had an easier go of it some worse . But for me getting sober was CRAP for dang near the first year. I really dunno why i bothered at that time but glad i did now.
I know many here will suggest therapy or meds etc... I'm sure thats a good solution for some. I always felt i'd be told i'm just fine and i'm not that insane while in my head i was going bonkers cause that was usually the case when i tried therapy in the past. or that i'd simply be committed and my family would then really be in a difficult spot since i was the bread winner and couldnt just not work.
In hindsite? i shoulda decalred a family state of emergency o rsomething seen if others could help pump cash into my household while i went off to rehab and got my crap figured out or something. I shoudl have gone to AA right away or at least tried it. I should have found a site like this sooner.
But its over and done with now. and its like i've heard before I might have another relapse in me I wont lie i joke and htink about a 2 week bender once in a while (Nuts I know) but I dont know that I have another recovery in me.
thats why when you post here and some are like oh shes complaining again or this or that i'm a bit more sympathetic cause I dunno at yoru stage in the game i was still a pretty big hot mess myself. and I'm not gonna say that others are wrong I was told many times get the FRICK over yourslef rararara wtf is wrong with you . oh here we go again zjw is on another rant him and his crap life again etc... I heard it all people got tired of listening to me i lost friends for that VERY reason! i abused relationships because i'd talk to folks and all i wanted to talk about was my round and round obsessessing with my issues.
And I dunno in time i guess i just got tired of myself even surrendered gave up started to heal more physically mentally and things started to get easier. Nothing people told me helped but yet at the same time everyting people told me helped. I mean someone might tell me something say at 30 days sober that i didnt wanna hear or i felt was not helpful but 6 months down the line i'd remmber that comment and be like oh thats what they meant oh yea etc...
Its like a journey a process that we kinda just gotta go through or at least i didd. there was no like cure really I just had to push on through it and in time it all started to ease up.