Thread: Hitting a wall
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Old 08-08-2016, 05:45 AM
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SeriousKarma
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Hitting a wall

I haven't been around the forum much lately, and for that reason I feel bad posting a whiny post. I would have like to have come back strong and invigorated, but such is life...

I just feel like I keep hitting walls. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I look at where I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, and other than the fact that I completed the divorce I don't feel that I'm any better off. In fact I feel that I might be sliding backward.

Physically I'm exhausted. Though this last round of treatments seems to be showing promise, my migraines have been a constant battle. My back hurts. My eyes are bad, my hearing sucks, I have arthritis in my thumbs, I got a limpy ankle, my neck creaks, sometimes the tip of my nose itches.........

Although I know the list is real, that I'm not making these symptoms up, I also know that there is an element of depression mixed in.

I'm not happy. I look at my life and I don't see a bright and shiny future. No sooner did I clear my XAH out of my life than my daughter started having problems. Some of you may remember my post about her older boyfriend. They're still together. Well, her anxiety issues are massive, and I once again find myself walking a tightrope. Trying to parcel out what I say to her so that she'll understand it. Giving her information in doable doses, and keeping my expectations reasonable. When all I want to do is shake her and tell her that her issues are obvious, and if she would just do what her mother says all of her problems would be solved.

I'm a little smarter this time than I was when dealing with my XAH, so I try and watch what I say and how I say it. So far I think I'm doing ok. She confides in me. I guess that's good. Sometimes I don't know. I did get her to see a therapist. Finally. And she started going back to Alanon.

But, again I feel like I've been thrust into a chess game that I don't want to play. Having to deal with someone else's mental health challenges while mine get put on the back burner.

I know the conventional wisdom is to "take care of myself first" or "put on my oxygen mask first", but that's not going to happen. I know I'm not going to fall apart. I may have migraines and a back ache, but I won't fall apart. I may want to. But I won't.

I just need someone to tell me that she won't be 19 forever, that a person can learn to deal with anxiety, and that just because I haven't seen positive changes in my life yet doesn't mean I won't ever.
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