Hi solstice, wow just read your post above. You need to keep that post, imprint it into your brain... It's so honest so raw and so searingly real. When times get tough in the future reread it again and again and keep your promise to yourself to never go back there.
Be the man you can be, the man you deserve to be.
As for the religion aspect of AA it is explained very clearly in the Big Book. Your higher power can be anything, nature, the universe, a tree a chair literally anything. Some people consider the rooms of AA even to be their higher power.
Just keep going back, go with an open heart and mind and it will work for you.
Good luck. Elle