Originally Posted by
Dame 
Hey sobersolstice,
I finally had to stop because of that poisoned feeling too. Drinking was making me so sick and miserable. After I quit I did not see improvement for quite some time. That scared me and made me very anxious, but I knew if I drank it would get worse every time because I DID have a withdrawal seizure. You may or may not experience kindling. Until my seizure my frequent attempts to quit were much the same. A one-time (& last time) 3 day black-out vodka bender plus Ativan produced my seizure when I tried to quit cold turkey. Nor does everyone end up with PAWS, but if you dwell on it you might obsess yourself into a mimic state.
It kind of sounds like you are in a pretty panicky state a lot of the time. If you could just sit and breath slowly and consider that nothing is threatening you RIGHT NOW, maybe you could slow down the impulsive desire to drink. I believe you can do this, and we are here for you. Do you think you could check in before you give in to impulse?
Hey Dame,
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I realize many have given up on me at this point, but I will continue on this endeavor. Woke up at 3:30am after falling asleep at 9:45. I feel like I already got a full-night's sleep.
I'm glad I found a good AA group, and have some like minded folks I can call (though it's weird calling a stranger for support), I feel like someone cares. In the past it was always just me that kept me from drinking, though you guys have been helpful, even thinking about alcohol became a trigger. I also remember going straight to the liquor store after my first AA meeting years ago. I see this site in a different light now, and realize AA isn't as heavy on religion (I'm agnostic) at this meeting. It was still scary in that I wasn't used to how it goes, and wasn't saying what I was supposed to when everyone else started holding hands etc.
I don't want to be the guy throwing up his water in the morning, looking himself in the mirror with blood shot, watery eyes and a puffy face. I don't want to be the guy that squirts his trousers during a client meeting, losing a deal because of incontinence. I don't want to be the guy that finds comfort and solace in a dark condo because he's too ashamed to go out for a cup of coffee. I miss my friends. Many drink, but don't want to associate with me because of the quantity I consume. Most are athletes, so they generally have just one (I know I can't do that). I miss being an athlete. It'll be a long road back, but I feel it will be so much more enriching and healthy in so many ways, plus these folks don't push drinking on you. Half of them don't drink at all because they want to perform at the elite level.
I miss feeling strong and confident. I can't handle the huge physical and mental swings anymore. I know I'll have to deal with the next month or so, but I can't be weak to the sauce anymore. In the past, I never saw my relapses as losing, and I hate losing. I used to drown that thought away. This time, I'm coming with an approach that I will fight for my life.
Thanks, and I'll check in regularly.