Hello Expanding,
I found therapy and working the steps an excellent framework for reassessing my life. It was a slog at times. There were days I saw a prism of clarity and then I'd have another meeting or session and my mind would be twisting again. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes things do ease with time.
It sort of sounds like you were trying to force this relationship to work, though I have not read many of your posts. I've done that. It did not work. It was bitter and painful at the end.
I can only implore you to give yourself the gift of time to work on yourself and grieve. I definitely am ACOA, and married an A/ACOA. Learning about all of this stuff and looking back and then moving ahead has given me a much calmer lifestyle.
Peace to you.