Expanding

Emotionally it may as well still be March for me right now. Packing up and moving everything has been so hard. It's really driving the point home that exA just doesn't give a sh*t about me or what we had. That he will never accept responsibility for his actions, that he 100% believes he didn't do anything wrong. He continues to attribute the end of our relationship to something I lied about (I realize now that it was an attempt at manipulation, to get him to do what he said he was going to do), and has conveniently forgotten about everything that lead up to that lie.

I really regret telling that lie and attempting to manipulate. I should have just walked away. At the same time I wonder if subconsciously I knew that it would be the final push. I was never ever going to leave him, he had to leave me in order for me to see what I needed to see. I needed that shock to wake me up. I tried to leave so many times and I always always went back. Him not giving me a choice in the matter in an enormous gift, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I've been recently told that me still having these feelings is unhealthy and it really, really bothered me. It hasn't been five months, and it seems ridiculous that someone would dare to say that to someone. If I was spiraling in drugs or not showering or eating I could see what they were saying... but I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I still do, I'm just frustrated that others seem to think I should be "fine" now. It really rubs me the wrong way.

I'm seeing who my real friends are, not the ones who BBQ and drink so they can't help me move. Not the ones who tell me to just get back out there. Not the ones who always bring the conversation back to them.

So many things are changing, so many things.