Nobody's doormat.
Hi folks. I know that there used to be a co-dependency forum here, but I don’t see it anymore. I used to be addicted to alcohol. I have been sober for about 10 years. I hope it is ok for me to post here.
I have a problem that needs a quick solution before I say something that I might regret forever.
A little background: I am the daughter of a Dad who is not a substance abuser, nor a former substance abuser. He is in a co-dependent marriage with my stepmother. I was 7 years old when they married. I had visits every other weekend, and my Dad did not spend time with me. My most vivid memories of him during those times were of beatings. My Mother was neglectful and unable to handle parental responsibility, so I went to live with my Father when I was 13. From the time my Father and stepmother were married, she never wanted me around, and when I was 18 my Father severed ties with me.
In January of 2015, over 30 years later and after numerous attempts on my behalf to reestablish a relationship, my Father located me and informed me that my stepmother has stage IV lung cancer. Since that time, I have been ENORMOUSLY supportive, lending moral support, love, cards, handmade gifts, etc. Since that time, my stepmom has sent me one (1) thank you card, and that was over one year ago. She has not expressed one iota of gratitude since that time. My father has continually threatened to abandon me with regard to certain communication topics. He refuses to discuss the cancer, other family members (all of whom he has severed ties with as well), and in the last message I sent, when I told him about mental health issues I am being treated for and how my providers are not responding to my messages, he replied “I might just follow their lead and sever all ties with you forever.” I am sick and tired of this abuse. It brings back traumatizing memories and he keeps threatening to traumatize me over and over again with these threats of abandonment.
Recently it was announced to me that my stepmother is nearing the end of her battle with cancer.
The above mentioned email culminated after I sent my stepmother a set of rosary beads (it should be mentioned here that she is a person of faith – during the one phone conversation I had with her, she told me she prays). They are both uncommunicative, so I don’t know what she likes and dislikes. Every gift I have sent her has been thoughtfully planned based on information that I have gleaned from photographs I have seen and tidbits my Father has told me about her. Regarding the rosary beads, they belonged to the mother of a long-time ex-boyfriend who passed away from emphysema (her name was Gladys). They sat in a tattered old box in my drawer for over a decade, and I felt that it seemed selfish to not pass them along, and that perhaps they had a new purpose. I sent them along with a very loving note that said that Gladys’s angel was watching over her, and hoped that prayer would grant her a healthier, happier, longer life as perhaps it had done for Gladys. Well, she went absolutely BALLISTIC. My Dad emailed me and told me that she was extremely upset and once again, I was very validating and supportive of her feelings (keeping my own to myself). I did not issue an apology. My thoughts about his last email were that he was attempting to evoke an apology, anger, tears, or some other such response. He mentioned that he has all this “damage control” to do with her. Her response is unreasonably out of proportion with the situation. And SURELY she has had suggestions of prayer coming from every imaginable direction. Once again, she is attempting to push me out of his life.
My father and I communicate primarily via email. He is very self-centered and dominates each and every verbal communication (one of those “can’t get a word in edgewise” people). My stepmother is always within earshot. We also live 2500 miles apart. It’s been three days since the above mentioned threatening email and I have not responded. Frankly, I’m at the point where I would never respond to him again except to tell him that I’m completely done with him except that would be JUST WHAT SHE WANTS. I think he would like that too, just to keep the peace with her. Honestly – they are the most selfish people I have ever known.
Any thoughts on how to handle this?
Thanks so much.