Liz.....going back to the example that you gave----you told him "I love you".....and, he replied "..."You do? so, tell me why".
What I hear him )possibly) saying is...." I am craving to luxuriate in how I am the apple of your eye. I want to hear how I am adored. Please allow me that emotional pleasure. Stroke me where I need to be stroked".
I see that as a normal human response wish/need in an intimate relationship.
Isn't that the same thing you wanted, also, when you wanted to hear him say "I love you. too". back?
I think it might be possible that he has the same degree of insecurities that you have about how "safe" his tender, vulnerable, underbelly (his heart) is in the relationship.
In a relationship...I think it is a natural flow of things for it to be one person's turn at one time...and the other persons turn at another time. Sometimes, I give you the "gift"...and, sometimes, you give me the "gift".
One rule that I learned that helped me about giving to another---if you ever give a gift with the expectation that they will give you something in return for that particular gift--it is more of a manipulation than a true gift. A pure gift is to give with no expectation of anything else in return. (yes, a return might feel nice...but is not necessary).
I am going to use my imagination, here--and say that I have done the same thing with my wonderful husband. I can remember him hugging me and saying "I love you, my mouse" (he nicknamed me mouse--long story).,,,,and I, in a very coy way, asked "Ohm yeah? Please count the ways"....and, you know what?.....he did. And, I loved it!! It warmed my heart to see myself reflected back in his eyes. Good, normal, human stuff...in my opinion.
I imagine that, maybe, your BF did not get a lot of this kind of feedback, growing up. Maybe, never saw it in his parents. Might be new stuff to him.
(I want to say that I am, naturally, verbally expressive...and did my share of laying praise and expressions of love on my husband. There were the times that I gushed things, like..."You are so wonderful!"....and he didn't reply in kind...he just got a warm feeling of satisfaction inside (I am sure).....
My husband wasn't raised in a household of "gushy stuff", either.
Men are taught, generally, to keep a damper on their tender emotions by society, in general.
I truly believe that they may have to "learn" to be safer in expressing these feelings, openly. this may be done, for the first time, in their intima
te relationships, in adulthood.....
this brings me back to something that I said before....we have to be willing to tell out intimates what we NEED....as they may not be mind readers.
You have told us what you are needing.....have you told him, exactly...?
Liz, I am rambling on about this...lol....I hope that some of it is of value to you...
dandylion