Giiiirrrrrlllll! I feel you. I really, really do.
As I've mentioned ad nauseam here, I have two failed marriages behind me. My first husband (and father of my daughters) is a good and kind man, and he treated me well. We had other issues in our relationship and at the end of the day I just did not see him as an equal. For reasons totally different than the reasons it happens with an addict, I felt like I was his parent, not his partner. And yes, my own dysfunction and issues played a big part in that. While I respected (and still respect) him as a human being and as a father to our daughters, I did not respect him as a life partner and I did not love him the way a person should love a spouse.
My second husband (my STBXAH and father of my son) treated me well for the first year of our relationship, and it was all downhill from there (coinciding, of course, with his relapse into active alcoholism). After that, he was abusive and manipulative. Same story...at the end of it all, I just did not respect him. The lack of respect invaded a lot more areas of our lives than with my first husband, but to me it became clear. For me, anyway, I simply cannot have a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship with someone I do not RESPECT.
It is obvious you have a lot of respect for your BF. I know that you love him very much. I also know that we will all carry our particular brand of crazy with us for the rest of our lives--that's why recovery is a journey and a process, not a destination. For me, it's grounded in deep insecurity and my occasional, irrational fear that the other shoe is going to drop sooner or later, even though absolutely NOTHING in the daily life of my (totally awesome) relationship gives credence to that fear. But I know that this is my crazy. I own it, and I work through it as best I can. And I get better about it over the long term, even if I backslide sometimes for a day or two.
I do not think that ANYBODY has a long-term, monogamous relationship with another person that meets every single need, 100% of the time. I think that when we look for that in a relationship, it's a sign of some of those "unhealthy love" patterns from firebolt's post above peeking through. On the other hand, we all express love (and want love expressed to us) in the ways we relate to the most. Isn't there a book out there called "Love Languages"? Anyway, I think that if you and your BF have different love languages (or, in other words, if you are each most responsive to different kinds of expression and validation), you could be interpreting that as being unfulfilled. Because based on what you have described about your relationship and your BF's behavior, you guys have a great thing going. It truly just sounds like different love/communication styles, which is ABSOLUTELY something that thoughtful, invested partners can work on together.
Liz, I have known you for many years now. You are intelligent, you are thoughtful, and you have worked VERY hard in your recovery. You are one of the most self-aware people here, and I know you feel that at least some of this is tied up in your own residual issues. It definitely sounds that while your BF may not talk the talk as much as you would like, he walks the walk every. single. day. And man...I would trade a talker for a walker any day of the week.
Love you, my friend!
