Am I settling?
After all my years living with dysfunction and alcoholism, I sometimes don't always knows what's best for me. I hem and haw, waffle and bounce around constantly. Should I? Shouldn't I? Am I making the right decision here? I am slowly learning to trust my intuition and my gut. But insecurity and doubt cloud my thinking at times.
I love my new bf. We've been living together as blended families for 2.5 months now(he lived with me for 2 months prior to this, as well) and everything is great. The kids are good, we work well as a team together, we have a good physical relationship, and we honestly have fun together (as a couple and as a family). I really can't complain.
He's honest, very direct, driven, responsible, kind, respectful, generous with his time and his energy he devotes to making sure we have a relationship despite us both having kids and jobs, etc. I've recently just gotten a dozen roses....just because. I always 'feel' loved by him and by his actions. There is NO emotional abuse or gas lighting or crazy making behaviors.
Here's my dilemma. My bf is very honest. He's an introvert. He's a thinker and he processes EVERYTHING internally before he makes a decision. He doesn't trust emotions even if he has them; it's like he has to rationalize his feelings and think about them before he knows exactly what they are.
He struggles with the words "i love you". He told me that he's been very reserved since his divorce 3 years ago. He has told me that he loves me a few times but most times it's in response to me saying it and because I can tell he's uncomfortable I tend to only say it when I'm totally feeling it, instead of on a regular basis. He says falling in love is a process and he knows he's guarded. We talked a lot more and eventually I asked him if he felt we made the right decision moving in together, to which he said, "YES, yes...absolutely."
The man always talks about the future together. He wants to help me get out of debt and wants me to sell my car and will give me his older Audi to drive for a year or so until I get my debts cleared up. He has been nothing but consistent and supportive and loving all this time. We're both mid 40s, have kids, jobs, responsibilities that younger people may not have and I think we've done a good job of making things work.
So, what's my problem? I am so damn stuck on worrying that I'll always be more emotionally involved in the relationship than he is. That maybe I'm settling for a comfortable relationship when I may want more. That maybe his ex wife damaged his ability to truly trust and fully love another woman and I just get the crumbs and his broken heart. I knew to not get involved with a man who was recently divorced but my guy is pushing 4 years post divorce and had 2 other relationships before me so I wasn't his rebound.
And then I think that maybe I'm just impatient. He's been honest. He still shows he loves me: giving me a massage, making dinner for me last night even though he had to attend an event for the kids' school, brought me my tea this AM while I was doing my hair. I have a beautiful life today but I still struggle to just live for today. Old habits of thought die hard. I have come so far and yet I am finding it hard today to just be in acceptance, to love what is, and to just take life one day at a time. Recovery is certainly a lifelong process, isn't it?