mcm19,
It sounds like you're making progress in recognizing the patterns and not getting sucked in. I remember when I started being able to detach from my STBXAH's quacking rather than engaging and getting upset; that's when I was able to see it/hear it for what it was.
Recently I had two friends over, one of whom got quite drunk and verbally abusive. The other friend (who grew up with an A dad) and I just mollified her and let her be, recognizing that anything we said could and likely would exacerbate the situation. It was reassuring to be in that situation with someone else who knows the ropes; we exchanged glances of recognition over our poor friend's head.