Hawkeye13

It is very difficult--my husband made me feel very badly for quite some time
by statements like "you're no fun anymore" ,
"I can't make you laugh like I used to when you drank" and so on to the point where I
actually tried "moderating" multiple times to get with the party program
and stay connected in my marriage.

Truth is, although I was the life of the party when drinking,
at heart I am pretty introverted and have been dealing with
anhedonia (I think) in part from growing up with an angry alcoholic
mother--any feelings I felt were pretty much compromised,
crushed, or betrayed by her when drunk, and I was so
emotionally enmeshed as a codependent growing up and beyond,
I just kept putting them out there for her to stomp on for many years
until I didn't really have any left but fear, anger, and anxiety.

Drinking was my way to feel a sense of joy and fun, at least for a little while,
and later I used it just to feel anything at all.
Now that I've accumulated (minus wifely forays into moderation)
four plus years of sober time, I can honestly say most of the time
I feel nothing much at all inside.
I have become more isolated, and I am most at peace
in Nature, with my animal friends, or on my yoga mat.
I read deeply and widely as I did when I was a child
escaping my life, and besides work, SR is the only
"social" interaction I pursue at this time.

That's the price I pay for being sober, or having drunk,
or having grown up with a drunk unprotected, or maybe
it's just who I really am without a drink in my hand.
It's a price I pay willingly, however, as I don't like the person
alcohol was helping change me into.

For Lord of the Rings Fans:

Like Galadriel, I have the choice to put on the Ring of Doom
knowing it will destroy all I love,
or to fade and pass into the West.