Expanding, once again, I totally get what you're saying. Only occasionally was XAH overtly mean (he always had a passive/aggressive side, but that was easier to ignore or pretend away). Usually he was exactly as you describe your A, kind, caring, helpful--a pretty good guy as far as anyone could see. It was the unseen part, like an iceberg, that caused the damage.
I mentioned that I had a bad time in June, and it hinged on those good memories. I was tired at the end of a long day and threw a frozen pizza in the oven. When I got it out and began to cut it up, I had an intense flash of how XAH and I would fix a frozen pizza, he'd cut it up so I'd get more of the crust b/c that is what I liked and he'd get more of the "filet" b/c that is what he liked, and he'd arrange the pieces in a particular way so they fit perfectly on a fish-shaped plate that I especially liked.
OMG--I was just destroyed. I thought "who is ever going to love you like that again? It's almost your birthday, and who is even going to send you a card or get you a gift or even care?" Expanding, I cried on and off for days. I mowed my lawn, cut back trees, pulled weeds, walked my dogs, and cried and cried and cried.
It was not that I wanted him to come back--I know, I absolutely know that it would never be what I wanted, he is an active A and there is simply no way...It was another layer of grief, much like what you seem to be experiencing in your recent posts. And it was intense. I started some days kneeling by my bed, sobbing, not knowing how I could even stand up and go get dressed. I knew it was over and done between us, but the sorrow for the loss was by no means done and over.
And as you say, when you have many memories of kindness to look back on, it makes it that much harder. But it does pass. It always passes.