Oh my goodness. All of these replies. I am crying now, and even though it hurts I need to I guess. Thank you for the welcome Dee. I admire you so. All of you. I admit that I am overwhelmed with self-pity, but I try to be realistic about what has been going on, and unfortunately I have been treated pretty poorly despite having asked for help so many times.
My first psychiatrist got so tired of dealing with the pervasive paranoia that affected so many of his patients that he finally pulled up stakes and got out of town. And he isn't the only healthcare provider to do so. This area is very conservative, racist, classist.......sigh. Essentially, people hate their jobs and are extraordinarily bored. They work. Otherwise they shop, eat, drink to excess (very unhealthy, overweight, drunken, angry and frustrated). You can either join in or keep to yourself.
I was a solitary drinker, and I hated every minute of it. I loved being a non-drinker, but when I turned 50+ I decided that it was time to 'speak up' and stop being so accommodating. I paid for it. Hard. I have no regrets about any of my behavior. I DO feel mighty bad about the way I've treated by SO of 25 yrs. He has put up with all of it and more. But he has also enabled me. Maybe working on teaching him to not do that could be a goal. He is stubborn, tho.
I will re-think AA. It isn't arrogance. It's fear. But I have heard good things. Also, I have been reading many of Dee's posts. Guess I haven't found the part about planning yet. I am hoping that - here - I will find the Dame that I lost. I want to be positive. I want to be helpful too. I'm starting to remember how good it used to feel to help others (loved being a teacher). But now I need to learn. Thanks for the warm welcome. I have read so many of your stories and they give all of us lurkers