Thank you Berrybean
I was completely committed after Hospitalization and 6 days in the ICU in May. I made it for a month - which was amazing for me. The truth is that I was suicidal. I am 55 and 3 yrs ago perimenopause sent me spiraling. My entire identity changed. I was a social drinker in my 20's, and a complete teatotaller until 2013. I could not cope with anything then, and now I am back at that point. I'm terrified of what may or may not lie in the future.
Also, my psych doc fired me suddenly (and quite brutally) a year ago. There were no others available so I have not had my meds. Despite 12 yrs of higher ed., I am disabled and very poor. There may be a psych doc willing to take me. I hope.
I know I'm rambling. I don't know HOW to make a plan, I am so terrified every single minute that I can't see a future. I do have a loving (abstinent) partner of 25 years, but all of this is so very very hard and stressful for him. Thanks for listening and replying.