Compassion
I hope you folks don't mind me coming to this side of the fence, as I am I guess a "normie" and post over in F&F, though my feelings today brought me here wanting to share and also to get any insight.
I also realize that much like those of us with drinking problems need to focus on their own recovery, as a codependent type I need to focus on mine. I'm just not quite there yet. I'm still in contact and going through a separation which makes it hard to refocus.
Last night, I was really craving a pizza. I didn't need to drive out and get it. I had plenty to eat at the house, healthier options as well, but in general lots of food. But I really wanted that pizza. And eventually, I drove myself out and got it and ate half of the darn thing, 4 slices, despite having a million options. I love pizza.
Then I had to imagine, if at the age of 43, someone told me I could never eat pizza again, for the rest of my life, how would that make me feel? And is the way I felt about that pizza the way that my AXGF feels every time she wants a drink?
I suppose the food vs. alcohol analogy is not a perfect one. Sure, both can have negative impacts on your health, but only one of those impacts others around you in such a profound way. It's not like I would eat a pizza and then decide I wanted to pick a fight or have a personality change at the flip of a switch. My AXGF, when I asked her about changing her drinking (something I finally learned to give up on by the way), to stop watching TV. She said, I like drinking, you like to watch TV. Again, a poor analogy I guess. But in her mind, perfectly valid. Drinking is her hobby, her entertainment, her recreation. It's what she does. It supplements and enhances any outside event and it staves off the boredom at home.
Today I'm finding myself somewhat introspective at our present situation though, and I'm feeling compassionate towards her situation. I think she wants to stop, but she's afraid to admit she has a problem. Stopping by itself seems possible, however, stopping AND getting real help, a recovery program, etc, means she has to admit that she really has a problem and she can't solve it herself. And she seems unable to make that step.
I didn't ask her to move out to try and force her to rock bottom. She has done this before and she can do it again. She did instantly begin to look for her next boyfriend as I know the notion of being single/alone terrifies her. She also has had a couple friends who are around to enable.
Over the past week, as our business is concluding, I'm seeing more sadness and regret in her than ever before. I feel like she wants to stop drinking but when she is alone in her new place with just her, the dog, and her thoughts, she is empty inside. But here's the problem -- I think instead of taking the step towards a recovery, she is retreating back to the bottle, for that temporary escape. It's just a vicious cycle.
I read so many posts here from those of you who have tried, and had so many "day ones" yet your resolve is determined and you try and try again. Do you feel that you have had more success when you did this with friends or family or professional help in your corner, or was it really your own mind that mattered? What worked, what didn't work? Is there anything I can do to help her?
Someone once told me, she will never get better living under your roof so that step was taken. Lately, she has been stoic but broken down a couple times. Her dog misses me terribly and I miss the dog as well. It's a reminder of our separation I think when she sees her. I was great with the dog. But I can't share the dog and be a part of that world, when she is drinking, it's just too hard. She doesn't like her new place. She's unhappy. But what I'm worried about is, that this just leads her back to the bottle, or worse, to MORE bottles than before.
I can't help her, change her, want her to change, or rescue her from this. I just wish I knew a way to lovingly detach and for her to know that I want her to choose recovery, and not start this cycle over again. I know it is a better future for her, but I have no idea how to tell her.