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Old 07-05-2016, 07:57 AM
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Spacegoat
'Shalomar'
 
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Join Date: May 2016
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My First Meeting




THE CHARACTERISTICS OF ADULT CHILDREN

1. Adult children guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

The Laundry List

a. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

b. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

c. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism

d. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

e. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

f. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.

g. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

h. We become addicted to excitement.

i. We confuse love with pity and tend to “love” people who we can `pity” and “rescue”.

j. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

k. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

l. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

m. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

n. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

The Problem

1. We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.

2. We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

3. We lived live from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

4. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

5. These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us ‘co-victims’, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.

6. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.
(The Characteristics and Common Traits of People Who Grew up in Alcoholic Homes)


Went to my first meeting a couple of weeks ago.

From the welcome pamphlet:

"To be an adult child of an alcoholic who has come far enough out of denial to identify with "The Problem" is to earn recognition as one of the toughest, sanest, psychologically strongest people the world knows, with a capacity for personal responsibility that is unusual to say the least.

Sane, totally sane all our lives, wether we adopted insanity, suicide attempts, self-abusive drinking, eating or drug use, compulsive working or obsessive relationships as our ways of handling our lives.

For the few who have survived the traumas of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood who have screened themelves, selected themselves through the other twelve step programs, therapies, insane asylums, jails and hospitals all that is needed is a safe place where we can finally shed our defenses, our denial, and admit to ourselves and others how angry, hurt, maddened and wounded we have always been. Admit it, experience it and release it..."


I must say that the people at the meeting were next-level nice.
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