I am just tired of fighting guys, tired of fighting for my place, to be heard, to be seen as valid and worth anything. I tried for decades to carve out my own "happy place" in life and it didn't happen. And now I am too tired and too broken to go on.
I am not like this IRL. I am always smiling- believe it or not this is a thing that others have even noted about me. I am a good listener, I always try and be fun and cheerful.
I am sick of having to always be "on". I am worn out. It never even got me anywhere.
Years of trying so hard to be heard and seen as valid have worn me out.
Forced positivity never worked for me. I did it through an entire abusive childhood and for many years beyond in the work force and in life in general. All it did was make me feel worse.
So I think I am done trying guys, thanks to those who listened.