wshall

I'm having a real hard identifying what the hell is wrong with me. Without going into everything I'll make it quick. I am for sure a alcoholic/drug addict. That was the whole reason I joined this forum. I've struggled with depression for a very long time but not truly felt it's effects until I got sober. My addictions had a very large part of destroying my marriage but was not the whole story. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with that phase of my life and I understand it's a trigger. But it's been two years since we separated and I got sober so I'm pretty sure it's not the whole problem. Looking back in my life, I was always prone to depression. I always got drunk/high to cover it up.

So I've been battling it off and on but mostly on. These last few years have been torture. I've been on meds and off meds. At one point I was on four different types and it made me actually crazy. The last eight months or so I've been dealing with it on my own. But last month I filed for divorce and it has thrown me into the pits of hell. She was being very verbally abusive at the time of me filing so I didn't think it would effect me the way it is effecting me.

For some reason I will always love her very much but I'm fully aware that we can't be together. So why am I having such a hard time letting go? We have a son together but share custody and he is a very happy boy. He is also a daddy's boy and we have a unbelievable relationship. I'm going to school to become a substance abuse consoler. I have a great job that I've had for the past seven years. So why am I so miserable? I can't identify the problem and I'm the type of person who NEEDS to know why.