Originally Posted by Sarah74

Starting this tonight. May be on here all day tomorrow. Today I wasted 7 hours drinking. Tonight, EVERY night I do this, I think "I gotta stop, I'm gonna stop, I feel like crap, I'm killing myself, and what a f***ing waste of my time and my life!"
Next day, usually afternoon: Ah, well, I feel pretty ok, I got all my chores (work, whatever) done, I'll relax with a drink, I'll just keep things under control. Next thing I know I'm dragging my butt to bed, and the cycle continues. I am so miserable! It is amazing to me that I can be consciously aware of my own self-destruction, yet continue on. And on. And on. I need help with that moment of the day where I begin this routine. This routine also involves smoking. It is a nice drink and smoke on the patio, reading or doing dumb stuff on my phone. The worst part that I don't even want to admit is my daughter is home with me as I do this every night. She is 17, so able to fend for herself, and generally on her computer or chatting with friends, but I am so ashamed at what she witnesses as me being her mom and being useless on the patio every night. I have wasted YEARS here. Years!!! People die of uncontrollable circumstances all the time, but I'm creating my own easier path to death, a healthy body and mind going to waste because of this stupid addiction. And I have to stop.