Thank you for this thread effortjoy. After hopping off and on the wagon since February (with ever worsening withdrawal) I too have come to think that drinking was some sort of self punishment. Avoiding living. Preventing growing. Achieving nothing ever.
I even feel like forcing the poison down my neck and not even enjoying it at times feels like a long drawn out suicide.
I hope in time to achieve more but for now staying sober is enough. It must remain the non negotiable foundation to my life (I pray)
Take care x