I was a binge drinker. Sometimes I would try to justify my alcoholism by claiming that I did not drink everyday or become physically dependent on alcohol. My binges led to some horrible withdrawal symptoms and I had to change my life or I was going to hurt myself falling down.
I think it takes time for our brains to heal to really perceive how destructive our actions have become or have been. At one year sober I can look back and see that I was not really living when I was binging on the weekends because I was essentially in withdrawal during the week.
Getting sober is the best thing I ever did even though it took me so many relapses to finally come to the conclusion that I cannot drink alcohol. Accepting my limitations is part of my growth as a person.
I hope you have a great day and that you get all the help you need.