jimmysheens

** Potential trigger warning - as I discuss using drugs and alcohol **

* Sorry for the long post. It is as concise as I could make it without losing any key points. I hope you find the time to read it. I have tried to be as light hearted as possible *


Hi everyone. I am a long time poster here (10 years) but have created a new username for a new me. I haven’t been here since 2013 so I don’t think many of you would remember me anyway. My story, and I will try to summarise briefly, is below:

Addictions: Nicotine 1992-2006, Nitrous Oxide 2001-2006, Heroin 2015-2016, Alcohol 2001-now
Current Meds: Modafinil, Nexium, Micardis, assorted meds for occasional sleeping issues
Previous Psychiatric Treatment: roughly 30 drugs (anti-depressants, augmentation agents, anti-psychotics), CBT, EMDR, TMS, A variety of 1-on-1s with a psychologist.

ALCOHOLISM IS MY ONLY DRUG PROBLEM, & MY GOAL IS ABSTINENCE

Social drinker from 1995-2001. Alcoholic drinker from 2001-now. Have suffered many bouts of mental illness going back to my early childhood, numerous predating any alcohol or drug usage.

Was sober for 3 months in 2009. 3 months in 2011. 9 months in 2013. 4 months this year. I have tried all the meds on offer (Antabuse, Campral, Naltrexone). I find stopping easy, but staying stopped nearly impossible. It's not because of a craving for alcohol either. It's that by about 3 months sober I have sunken to the deepest depths of the black dog (depression), which only alcohol will fix. The 9-month stint of sobriety I had, was 9 months of the most intense, crippling depression I have ever had. I'd vomit regularly due to the intensity of it. I thought there was no way out. When I restarted drinking it got much better (but was not gone) in a matter of days.

Anyway, since I restarted drinking in 2013 I have been somewhat below where I should be emotionally, and continuing to drink. Anything is better than the deep pit I was in back then I've kept telling myself. I have tried roughly 7 antidepressants and numerous augmentations since then to no avail (prior to all the mess starting I was on one that pooped out. Before finding that one I had tried around 25). I make that last point to indicate I am experienced with the psychiatric merry go round.

So a year or so ago I made a stupid mistake and started mucking about with Opiates. Within a few months I was snorting roughly 1-2 grams of high purity Heroin every day as well as drinking heavily (massively dumb as it can kill you easily. I am blessed to have made it through but you might not be). By February this year I decided I'd no longer drink as Heroin was much better. My depression was gone, my ability to live and enjoy life returned, my relationship with my wife and child grew much closer (they didn't know why), and my bank balance shrank at a rate nobody would believe (it is super expensive in Australia). That final problem led me to the decision to quit Heroin after roughly a year. Please let me say here that taking heroin is damn stupid and I recommend it to no one. I am lucky to have withdrawn safely and to not crave its use. Many are not so lucky and lose their homes, families etc. If I kept going that would have happened to me.

I have significan experience with a variety of illegal drugs. However, apart from Heroin I have touched none of them for 10+ years.

I quit Heroin cold turkey 2.5 weeks ago (not fun BTW, withdrawals suck way worse than they do for alcohol). I managed to get the flu (not a cold - the real flu) at the same time. I spent nearly 2 weeks in bed, by the end of which, I was withdrawn and over the flu, but at the bottom of another deep dark depression. So deep it took me 5 days to get the mental strength to call to see my Psychiatrist, with whom my appointment is in a week.

After a few days of depression, I decided to buy some booze to try and feel some sort of emotion. Beer was always my poison of choice, roughly 12-20 small (375ml) bottles at a time, 5-7 days a week. I managed to drink 4 and completely lost interest, with no change to my emotions. Not a quitter, the next day I decided to buy some whiskey so I could go harder and faster. I can't drink that either, it just sits on the bench looking revolting. As a last resort, I bought alcoholic lolly water, it's like drinking soft drink. I managed to drink 7 cans of that and I still felt nothing emotionally, just a bit fuzzy. So today, as the persistent guy I am, I tried another beer, and it took me 2 hours to finish it.

I feel disdain for alcohol now. It makes me feel bad. I am, however, still psychologically compelled to drink it. That is waning now, which is why I ended up having only one beer tonight. The thought of the negative effects overpowers the innate craving for the drink. It is a little distressing a feeling though. This has been happening for roughly a week.

I came to the conclusion that my psychiatric meds weren't doing much of anything and cold turkeyed from Brintellix and Cymbalta 1.5 weeks ago. So far my mood has lifted somewhat, and that has been the only effect. Modafinil seems to be working better too.
So here I am now. The end of the line treatment for my depression is now either an old school MAOI, or ECT (over my dead body). My depression is lifting right now though, so I am a bit confused.

So, um, wow, that was a really long introduction. I hope everything pertinent is in there. I have some questions now.

Has anyone's brain (who was/is an alcoholic) snapped like mine and stopped enjoying alcohol to the point where you can't drink it anymore? If so, what happened long term? Did you stay this way? Is it a blessing from above? Or is it a sign that something more serious is wrong with me mentally? What caused it to happen for you? I am suspicious of the Heroin withdrawal, as it was an incredibly brutal experience that has left me scarred in a few ways.

I will ask my psychiatrist the same thing, but he's a very textbook guy, and I don't think what happened to me is in any text book. I am the guy they write fringe case studies on. I am also not asking for medical advice or a diagnosis. I just want to find someone who had the same thing happen so we can compare notes.

Thank you for your time, and <insert deity> bless.