Originally Posted by
LexieCat 
Liz, you're a cool person in your own right, not just for what you can "do" for others. He obviously enjoys your company. Maybe it's a relief for HIM not to feel he has to compete with others (like doctors, reporters, etc) who circle the world of his significant other. However together he seems to be, everyone has their vulnerabilities--some just don't express them much.
It really is about feeling good enough about yourself that you don't need that external validation. None of us does it perfectly, but you've come a long way and I hope you can give yourself credit for being an amazing person.
Lexie, you said it right there.....
It's about validation and the fact that I don't love myself enough to feel 'enough'. Last night my bf and I stayed up past our 9:30 PM bedtime (LOL) and we talked. I asked him if we could talk about our relationship and I swear I nearly fell of the bed from laughing because he was like, "You gotta be kidding me! After sex? That is a huge NO NO in a guy's book, you know that!" Haha, but he humored me and not only did he humor, he engaged in the conversation, pulled out his kindle, and opened up a marriage book he had read years ago. We read pieces from certain chapters, discussed our most important needs within a romantic relationship, and it was one of the most productive relationship talks we've ever had. We don't often get a chance to talk about 'us' and that's why I brought it up because we now have the kids a LOT and priorities have shifted and while we see each other every day, our quality time together has changed and diminished.
And, yet, despite that talk and how well we communicate now together, I still struggle with the 'if only'.
So, today I sat down on my lunch break and wrote down this:
If only J would bring me flowers or give me a card.....then I'd be happy.
-follow up question to self: For how long?
If only J said he loved me first instead of me saying it all the time, then I'd be happy and more secure.....
-follow up question to self: Is that true?
And, the truth of the matter is: even if this man (or any man/person/friend/coworker) did those things and met my 'if only', I know that the effects wouldn't last. I'd be happy, sure.....but it would only last long enough until my psyche gets out of whack by something else or some other need or someone says something hurtful or whatever.
Same with the other question: is that true?
Would I really be more secure and happier if someone met that 'if only'...maybe, but again, I know that I'm looking externally for something that needs to come from within.
I know these things, guy. I know that my guy doesn't see me as needy. He sees me as independent, calm, emotionally in control and mature, and he knows me quite well actually. But, I still wonder what parts of me he will discover that will turn him away. My fear of abandonment and rejection kick in and I fall into patterns from childhood where I feel that I will never be 'enough'. I know it's about my dad and about my XAH. I was never enough for them; to fill their emptiness despite my valiant efforts to try. I manipulated with tears, I was passive aggressive, I tried to convince them they were the ones who were wrong because I was always SOOO right.
I don't do those things to my bf. I am not the same person I was.....but sometimes I'm very afraid that it will all come back and I will be stuck in a vortex of codependency again. That fact, right there, scares the crap out of me!