Alright I have recovered somewhat. Our weather has in typical fashion turned around and there is now a cool breeze, I watched the humidity drop no less than 20 points in 90 minutes. I mean really.
Ok so a problem for me is I am too genuine. And this is why I get my feelings hurt a lot, I do not see that others are usually ready to manipulate, because why would you do that? That's not at all cool or ok to do to people. That's how I see it. The one and only observation ever made about me by my abusive mother was that when kids made fun of me or hurt me when I was very young- I was always wondering "Why?" and I do recall being perplexed, I did not understand the point of being mean or lying to another person. Because if it was me, if you wanted something just ask and I will give freely.
Anyway I guess what I am saying is I really do not have it in me to be manipulative. I mean it takes a lot of the kind of thought that I do not possess. And I would not be interested anyway as it seems really dishonest to me and pointless.
I never learned that self protectiveness either which is why I was the one being lied to and manipulated often in life, and laughed at behind my back. I will never, ever forget a cheating and likely sociopathic ex who looked at me one day and said "Sleepie, did you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary"? And for a minute there I almost said, "Really?" I had to put a lot of work into second guessing others and trying to see their ulterior motives.
One of my brothers has the self protective thing though but he is a raging narcissist who has broken the law for financial gain as well as engaged in other behaviors that make me question if he even has a conscience. He never, ever does a thing unless he stands to gain from it and thinks anyone who does otherwise is a fool.
Being genuine is an unfortunate thing that I have ben told all my life that I am. For a very long time, I did not understand why any one would point out such a thing, because, isn't everyone?
Turns out, nope.
I mean... for example when I went to the hospital after attempting, they were dressing me down like I was a criminal- screaming at me and yelling at me (especially after I asked for my drawing pens back. I had attempted, I did not need to be screamed at? But then, it was state care.
Anyway, next day or so they are saying "Sleepie you are a good person" and such... and I am like "What changed between yesterday and today, I am the same person you screamed at yesterday?".
I dunno girl. I mean obviously I haven't figured out s*** and probably do not possess the grey matter to do so. At this point I really am just doing my time here on planet earth and look forward to nothing.