Be gentle with yourself right now, Red. Those first days were awful in terms of anxiety/depression and feeling physically like crud (I know you know this, but we are always hardest on ourselves).
You recognized that you falling back into an unhealthy pattern, and that you didn't want to. Those things are not to be discounted. You're taking steps to not continue with it. That takes strength, no matter how much sober time you've had before. Keep going. Glad you found this site.