mac6367

I'm going to apologize in advance for this long and likely boring post. It might turn out to be a mess, but I think getting it out in writing might be good for me.

I've been drinking since I was 15 - I'm now 24. I've had some pretty serious self esteem problems since early middle school. I've always hated myself. My drinking didn't really become a problem until I was 20. I had moved away for school, for the second time, after deciding the first school wasn't for me, even though I did great. Right before I made this move, my boyfriend of four years left me. It might sound cheesy to say a teenager found the love of her life, but I did, and then I lost him. It broke me. And it did some extreme damage to my already low self esteem.

I started drinking to numb the pain, and then I realized I became a different person when I was drunk. I was confident, not afraid to talk to strangers, I was "fun." Guys liked me for the first time in my life. I convinced myself that I had moved on and was now some confident, independent woman - thank you, alcohol. I spent more time drunk than not. This progressively destroyed my grades in school, and I've always been a straight A student. Then I got down on myself for my bad grades, so instead of trying, I partied more, went to class less. I couldn't say I was screwing it up; I was failing because I wasn't trying, so much better, right?

In this time, I slept with strangers, spent all my money, ruined friendships, and so on. I was on a path of self-destruction and didn't have a clue. I came very close to suicide, at one point, and my self harm was getting pretty extreme. Then I got a boyfriend, the second boyfriend of my life. My god, was he a douchebag. He couldn't hold a part-time job and used me to no end. The one thing I really can thank alcohol for is the destruction of this relationship. I went off to a party after he fell asleep and didn't show back up until 11 the next morning. I can't remember anything past the first hour of that night. He then went out that night and cheated on me. Not long after that, I moved back home with my mom. My dad was dying of liver failure, so we all decided it would be best if I came home.

The drinking didn't stop then. It got worse. I got a job at a bar, where drinking was not just promoted; it was frowned upon if you didn't. The drunk nights started to end badly, though. Every night ended with a meltdown.

My boyfriend and I started talking again in that time. I didn't deal with it all that well, having concerns that he would just up and leave me again. I was too scared to let him get close, but I loved him so much. He's the man that all other men I know are now compared to, and none can even come close. He helped me through a lot of those bad nights, but he grew frustrated with me when he would have to work late nights and I would turn to him to make me feel better. I did manage to slow down on my drinking. I was drinking less often, but still getting blackout drunk every time I did. My depression and anxiety were at an all time high.

One night, when my father was in an unresponsive state, I decided I was going to drink that problem away. I, of course, got completely hammered, but I was actually okay. Then I went outside, and my truck was gone. I had left my keys in it and someone stole it. I went into extreme meltdown mode. I got dropped off at home, while everyone else went on the search for my truck. While they were gone, I downed a full bottle of a high dose of Xanax. I was unconscious for two days. I'm lucky that was the worst of it. You'd have thought this would have been my turning point, but it couldn't have been alcohol's fault! I did start to see a doctor after that and was put on anti-depressants. I also started seeing a therapist once a week.

My self esteem has significantly improved lately, with the help of my boyfriend (that same one I got with at 16). I've really taken a step back and seen how seriously alcohol has affected my life. My real turning point was the night of my boss' memorial, as he recently passed away. It was a huge party. I went out, started drinking at noon. I was hanging out with a couple of male friends, and my best friend at that time was extremely jealous. So she very loudly accused me of cheating on my boyfriend and told me she was going to tell him. I wasn't doing anything wrong, and I just couldn't understand why she would do this to me. It sent me into one of my meltdowns. I lost the bar phone and attempted to make the 12-mile walk home. I don't remember much of the night, but apparently, I cried hysterically in front of a ton of people and told themI was going to kill myself. I was lucky a friend of mine found me walking down the road. That was the night I really saw the damage alcohol was causing to my life.

I've relapsed a few times since then, but the progress I've made is still pretty incredible. My now fiance is the most supportive person I could ask for. He doesn't always understand it, but he tries. He's gone on forums, done his research. He still takes care of me when I screw it up.

So, I drank to cure my self esteem issues and alleviate my social anxieties. I also drank so I have an excuse to fail, you can laugh anything off over a drunk night. There it is, the major root of my drinking problem.

I'm one week sober today, and I haven't felt this great in a long time. My medication works so much better when I don't drink. My self esteem is still up and down, but overall I'm happy and sober.