Quote:
Originally Posted by fini View Post
after that, the next few years had more incoherence as i inched my way towards "the program", since knowing myself as a DRUNK didn't in any way equate to being powerless over alcohol!!
That seems like a contradiction - explain, please?
exactly.
totally
i didn't get it. i still didn't get it. that's where the incoherence stayed for quite a while, and i stayed in it.
the two exclamation marks were supposed to indicate the "yeah right, fini!" sarcastic nature of the statement.
i could say i was sooooo dense.
or i can say i was soooo not wanting to ever admit i was powerless.
or i can say i was still so full of conceit that i couldn't reconcile these things.
pride. ego. whatever you want to call it.
that i had to have free will, because even really considering the possibility that i didn't have it would mean...well, there would be collapse.
in other words, i didn't understand 'surrender' but knew enough that for sure i didn't want to do it.
even though...
...on and on.
incoherence is painful and maddening, but if you don't just 'escape', it can be a great place to get in touch with unpalatable truths.
which then gave me a place of genuine foundation to build on.