I appreciate the concern, but relapse won't happen. I am in the clear for now. I am getting really worked up and upset also because the tests are right around the corner, again. I would have them all done by now but I had to reschedule twice because I was so nervous and anxious that I got no sleep at all so couldn't test and there is a month wait between test appointments. I was finally getting my sleep on a normal pattern but it is messed up again.
As far as relapse, I had to go through too much to get off of everything and I really want to do a year without anything. So I'll only have 6 months in about 2.5 weeks. I am in the clear for now and thank you, no desire to take anything today. I do appreciate you reading between the lines because sometimes you have to do that with these things.
Had a long talk about things with bf yesterday. He knows he has not been there. Not for the 1st time I tried to explain the enabling thing to him. Told him all of what I feel, that it was easier to let me/help me drink than to handle a relationship. Explained to him again that I am on rocky terrain here with all the adjustments to no longer having any relief by way of drinks or benzos.
He feels bad. As a former heavy drinker he also has a little insight about it. I guess it is an ongoing conversation. I hate this dumb addiction and the fact that it plays into anything. I understand now that I was a convincing drinker too, since I always was very creative and active while drinking, I got a lot more exercise, was in better shape and made a lot of things. So it was a little easier to just allow me to continue. This is in contrast to now being unable to leave my room, being consumed with anxiety and never making things anymore, creativity dried up completely. This was the last crushing blow in being sober.
I honestly cannot say I am doing better as a sober person. But I guess like most of my life it is a grudge match so I keep dragging myself through the days without messing up my sobriety. I keep doing it though so there is that. I dragged myself through 20 years of abuse at the hands of my family, I guess I can do this one too.
I asked him if it was unreasonable to want support from my partner, if he regrets getting involved, if he would have done anything differently. If it was me I would have given 2 chances to quit and straighten out. Then call it quits, call me if you get sober. But that's me.
I try and think back to before I was drinker. I had a friend who really duped me, this was before I ever drank. He was a wake up and drink vodka kind of guy. He drank all day at work- got in trouble for it. I never smelled it on him, he was very good at his job, he never, ever acted drunk. I suppose I can see the naivety in a non drinker. But I would never buy it for him!