Originally Posted by
stevieg46 
Ericar you are in a very difficult position concerning your husband , it looks like he isn't capable of stopping drinking for your and your child and for the child that is about to be born , fact is he needs to really want to stop drinking for himself before any sort of progress can be made .
At the moment this seems unlikely he has had very serious health scares and it seems to have had little effect . Of course you know all this already , Alanon at least gives you some understanding from those that are in or have been in similar circumstances so it may be a good idea to stay in contact with some members if possible. Do you have any family that could help out just now ? you probably realize and know that you cannot make him stop for any reason , and you probably know that you may have to leave or he needs to leave right now simply because commonsense tells you that this cannot be allowed to continue , it is very difficult to advise you in this matter but the reality is that you need to think of your child yourself and the kid that is about to be born , you are supposed to go through pregnancy without a lot of stress and worry as it can harm you and the baby , you need to put that first , you are ''powerless '' over your husbands alcoholism and the ''family illness is pulling you down '' you need to act soon and do what it takes in the best interest for you and the kid and the newborn '' you cannot change your husband no matter what . You have a choice ( 1 stay and it will probably stay the same or worse (2 ) leave and get rid of the stress which is better for you and the baby it wont stop you worrying but you wont be there to witness what is going on , contact some of your family members as ''you need HELP not distress and worry '' attend to that first and see how things work out , take care but I think you already know what to do and you have probably thought along the same lines as my suggestions , take care good luck .
Regards Stevie sober 12 03 2006
Thank you for the support and advice.
I've lived far away from my family of origin ever since I was 18. I have a purposefully low contact relationship with my parents due to their cycle of dysfunction. My father is an alcoholic and my mom has some kind of selfish, mean, unpredictable personality disorder (well, so does my dad probably... but he drinks in addition to that). My parents have only hurt me and to go to them would be a worse decision than staying with my husband.
I'm close with my sister but she still lives near our parents and is quite enmeshed with them so it would be difficult to go stay with her, not to mention that it's across multiple state lines and I'm not sure how that would work with custody or parenting arrangements. I have thought about just taking my son and staying with her for a while (she just had a baby herself and appreciated my help when I went out there to meet him-- but my husband spent the whole time I was gone drunk and I decided not to go back again unless I had our son with me, which is kind of difficult).
I'm pretty close with my husband's family and they help us a lot with babysitting and stuff. I'm not sure how things would go if we separated though as there is a lot of dysfunction in his family as well and they tend to coddle him and think I should too. I think they care about me but in the end they are his family and I wouldn't expect them to support me in any decision to separate from him or do anything that would upset him. Perhaps they could surprise me though, if I told them the extent of it all, because they were certainly worried about him and and upset with him when he was in the hospital.
But anyway luckily I am financially independent with a good career and I'm in my mid 30's. I took a hiatus from climbing the corporate ladder and I don't really want to go back but I could if I needed to. I'm also quite entrepreneurial and now work from home and make enough to pay the bills and save some, and I just seem to have a knack for making money. I'm not trying to brag but I guess what i'm saying is that although I don't really have family to rely on it's not like I'm destitute or in need of financial help and I doubt I ever would be. I'm not worried about money (well, I'd likely have to pay some to my husband maybe, because I'm the breadwinner... so if anything my worries are about how he would get by without me and/or how much I would have to pay to support him I guess). It's more just wondering how it would work being the primary caretaker of two young children because when my husband's isn't sick he does help me a lot with our son and it would probably be difficult without him although I know that plenty of mothers do it.
And it's more about being lonely and wanting support but not really knowing how to get it. I'm an introvert and not a very social person and I know it sounds so dumb but my husband and I are very close when he's not drinking/sick from drinking; he's a big source of support to me, until he's totally not! So to imagine a life without him is really difficult. I do have some friends and some social interests/groups but nobody very emotionally close to me except for my sister and my husband. I felt very out of place in Alanon and I feel like if I went back I would be being quite fake; much the way I feel when I go to church with a family member or something. I am trying to find out if there are some secular groups that don't say stuff like a higher power etc.
I'm not sure I even believe in the disease model of alcoholism or the "powerlessness" aspect etc. I used to but I think I was kind of using that as an excuse for him, as if he just can't help it or just is this way etc. I've been reading Rational Recovery and it makes more sense to me sometimes that he just selfishly chooses to escape in alcohol instead of deal with his problems. Or else I just think that he is so depressed and has bad coping mechanisms and little desire to change them. (Which is what my therapist thinks. She focuses more on his depression than drinking or other issues and says he is just a depressed person who will always fail to function in the long run. I could deal with that better than I can knowing that he purposefully, while stone cold sober, drinks what is essentially poison to his body and which could kill him and purposefully render himself unable to function... I don't see how the first drink at least isn't a clear "choice" and even he admits that once he drinks once he just continues every day until he gets sick, so I get mad that he DECIDES to have that first drink.) I could go out with friends and drink and party and escape but I don't because I want something better out of life and I want to do what's best for my family and me. (I used to party a lot in my 20's and to be fair when I met my husband we both were quite the partiers. But I guess I just grew up and he didn't, even though he claims that he has and that he wants to, etc.) I guess he just doesn't think that same way. Then again maybe I'm just so mad at him and sick of telling myself that he's sick and powerless blah blah blah. Sometimes I don't even care why he's like this anymore, I only care about the effects and I can't take it anymore.
I guess what blows my mind is not even knowing how to talk to him or approach him with how I'm feeling. He knows I get upset when he drinks; he alternates between getting defensive and apologetic. But I don't think he thinks I'd ever leave him and I don't even know if I'm there yet but I feel I should tell him I'm least approaching any and all desperate actions because I am confused and saddened and I just can't imagine going on like this much longer. I feel like I've slowly been reaching the end of my rope but he thinks it's still same old same old and I'm not sure what to say. I don't even have a practical plan because I don't think I could kick him out, nor would I even necessarily want to kick him out since it's his house too; I would be fine going to a hotel or renting an apartment with our children but I wouldn't want it to be looked at like I abandoned the family/house or something.
I have really thought about saying if you drink again I am moving out. But I know I would have to have some practical plan in place and I don't feel ready to do that with a new baby on the way. But maybe it has really come to the point where I have to. It's weird to feel seething mad at him and just almost done with him and to not have him even know, because I don't want it to be one more "upset conversation," I just want to decide in advance what to do before I talk to him because nothing I have tried in the past has gotten me anywhere. Sorry for rambling.