Thank you everyone for the responses. It helps to know I'm not alone. I might try calling an AA number tomorrow to see if maybe someone could go with me that first time. And yeah, I know you all are right, family around me know something is up. And yes, people love to gossip, the people at work already know because I trusted the wrong person. I want to stop. It's just if I'm doing this badly with my crutch, what happens without my crutch? My therapist I see now wants me to go into day treatment. Have other mental problems such as depression. But if I do that then my friend will know I'm not doing as well as they think I am and then they will get angry and not want me in their life. That's why I'm trying to figure out a way to do this on my own without anyone finding out.