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Old 05-30-2016, 08:25 PM
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HikeBikePacNW
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1
Need Advice....sorry for the long post!

This is my first time posting so hello all!

I am 33 years old and an alcoholic. I have been an alcoholic in my opinion for the last 8 years.

My alcoholic tendencies first came to light when I moved in with a former girlfriend at age 27. I found myself increasingly sneaking drinks, hiding bottles of wine in my car, and just overall being a deceitful alcoholic. After 6 months of living together she brought up the elephant in the room and I admitted I was an alcoholic. She has alcoholics in her family (as do I), and my admittance really hurt her and eventually ended our friendship and relationship. I had moved out and tried to mend our relationship over the next 9 months but I continued to drink and never fully quit. She met someone new and at that point I went from a functional alcoholic to someone whose life spiraled out of control.

I continued to maintain employment and excelled at work. Kept in shape and from an outsider's perspective had my life in control. Inside I was a mess however. I drank alone and went from a bottle of wine or 4 beers a day to three bottles of wine or a fifth of vodka a day.

I had lost many friends through this process because most took my former girlfriend's side (and I don't blame them) and I didn't have many independent friends. I spent the next 2 years drinking everyday and then really drinking on the weekends. I'm ashamed to admit it but I would frequently drink myself into oblivion and hire escorts because I was so lonely.

In 2012 I had an opportunity to move to a new city with my employer and took this opportunity as a way to start fresh and escape the pain and memories from where I lived.

So I moved and really loved being in a new and larger city. But unfortunately, my drinking continued and I was still consuming on average three bottles of wine a day. At this point (age 30) I began to have symptoms develop from my alcoholism. Nausea, shakiness, lack of appetite, etc. I decided at this point that I needed a break and went to a doctor, described my problem and history, and safely detoxed using Ativan. I'd maintain a few weeks of sobriety and then slip up and eventually be back at the doctor asking for a prescription of Ativan or Librium to detox. This went on for 6 months or so and although I had drank less during this period than any time in my prior 10 years the process clearly wasn't working.

I decided I needed to see a psychiatrist who specialized in addiction and scheduled an appointment. I worked with this doctor to address my underlying emotional issues and the triggers that caused me to drink in the first place. In my opinion, much of it was emotional trauma suffered as a child watching my mother die of cancer and through that process my father becoming an abusive alcoholic especially towards me. I had never spoken with anyone about my demons and the resentment I felt towards him as well in addition to the pain I went through watching my mother die of breast cancer over the course of 6 years. To this day I can still vividly remember holding her hand in hospice and her somehow gaining the energy to open her eyes and tell me she loved me as she took her last breath. I was the last one to see her alive and was alone with her as she died (family was outside having said their goodbyes).

Anyways, I am still in recovery and do drink but it is a fraction of what I used to and I feel that I have dealt with my emotional pain. My psychiatrist prescribed me baclofen which I've now taken for 3 years. It takes away my cravings and I no longer drink alone. As I mentioned I do still drink but it is always socially and very rarely do a have more than 4 drinks (usually craft beers or nice wines with meals) per week.

During this period I also started a new relationship which has been going on for three years. My partner is a successful doctor who to my knowledge has no idea that I'm an alcoholic. The baclofen takes care of my cravings and since I've been with her the pain from my former girlfriend and what I did to her keeps me in check. Also, during this period I've had great career success and started a PT MBA program at one of the top schools in the country.

Both my partner and I have discussed marriage and I'd like to propose to her at some point in the next 6 months. We both love and care for each other, are in good spots in our life, and feel like we are ready to take this next big step.

MY BIG QUESTION FOR EVERYONE IF THEY ARE WILLING TO SHARE THEIR OPINION: do I reveal to her I'm an alcoholic and I've been medicating for the last three years in addition to regularly seeing a psychiatrist. I want to be open with her and honest. That said, the experience of revealing this part of me last time (6 years ago) is still so painful and put me in such a bad spot as I couldn't repair the relationship that being truthful worries me. She has dealt with alcoholism as a doctor and understands that it is a complicated disease but I still don't know what to do or if being truthful is the best route. Can I just continue with the baclofen and what I consider my managed drinking forever? Or should I reveal myself?
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