I felt the same way a couple of years ago, so I gave up. I stopped fighting it and took drinking as an option completely off the table , and then started to learn how to live with that decision, turns out it is entirely doable, proof being if I can do it , it's definitely doable. It's hard at first, obviously, but gets better , maybe not so much easier at first but better for sure.
Finding SR and then discovering RR and AVRT(there are great threads about these ideas in the Secular Connections forum here on SR) started me a path I've been able to stay on.
I may not be 'in love with myself'(yet?) , but having made that decision and the decision to not change my mind, has gone a very long way to developing some self respect and a start to trying to develop some self love, caring.
You can do it, it takes a leap of faith to believe it, take the leap
wish you well and hope to see you around