People (myself included many times!) come here after a heavy drunk or some circumstance that was extraordinarily bad. They are done. Day one. Never going to drink again. Sick, shameful, guilt ridden, disgusted with themselves.
Take a few days to recover from that with their sobriety at the forefront of their mind. Day 4-8 going strong. After that life gets back to living without being bedridden or disgusted from the last episode. People start to come to SR not as often. 10 day-14 days later the episode that brought them to day 1 is becoming a distant memory and minimalized or maybe "not so bad". Thoughts of just one more time or moderation or I can handle a few drinks creep back in.
BAM - back to day 1 again. This time with a stronger resolve because defeat is not an option.
Rinse and repeat. Again and again and again. I have done this for years. Meditation, meetings (aa, smart, CR), self help books, books on not drinking, therapy, holistic stuff, online stuff, cognitive therapy, vitamins, amino acids, devotionals, spirituality readings, exercise, detox waters, supplements. I have done it all and they DO help in some way. I don't even know what day of sobriety I am on now.
I have about 75 "non consecutive days" of sobriety. I was called out for stating "non consecutive days" in a previous post as being ridiculous. (I do have about 5 days of drinking sprinkled throughout the last 80 days) Rightfully so I guess. I have lost count on how many days "this go around". I think 8 maybe??
Anyway - I am frustrated with myself and see a pattern through so many posts here. Coming out of the gate strong and them lose steam and start over again. I've heard it said that you won't stop until the desire to remain sober becomes greater than the desire to drink. I get that and my desire to remain sober IS greater on MOST days. But it just takes that one day to throw it all away and end up at day 1 again.
I was reading ICDB's thread last night about wanting to drink yesterday. This was totally me yesterday. 100%. It wasn't a strong voice, but it was a present voice all day. That post helped me so much yesterday to surf through the urges.
Just venting I guess - thanks for reading. Anyone else see this pattern?
