whiteturtle

I feel like I don't think I have in years... It reminds me of when I was younger, even five years ago in my early twenties (just before I began to descend into heavier drinking). It probably will sound really weird, but something as simple as setting my toothbrush back in its place before climbing into bed... I'm aware of the satisfying feeling of setting it where it belongs, and then climbing into bed I can actually feel the sheets and sink into them. I am laying here with my lamp on. I can't recall more than a handful of times in the past three years that I have laid down for bed at a decent and reasonable time, and took some moments to sit there with my light on and read or putz online before going to sleep.

I haven't had any physical withdrawing issues, and my cravings have been limited this time around (my fourth time at sobriety), not to mention they have been relatively easy to quell. But I don't remember feeling quite this clear the other times that I tried and failed. It's weird, but I feel like this is how it goes when starting to really live again.

That sounds so dramatic, but I'm not sure how else to put it. Thinking about staying sober makes me feel contentment more than resentment at this point.

I am afraid of having a bad day, or a major life event happening, or my depression getting bad as it is wont to do, and being unable to fight the AV quite as strongly. I'm not saying I'm necessarily doomed to fail, but I know that in general it seems that relapse can be very likely, and I don't consider myself the strongest of people. I am afraid of when I may fail.

I just wanted to put my positive feelings, felt at this moment, into words. That way, even if I do relapse in the near or far future (not planning to!), I will know that there are reasons to try again.

Just kind of babbling now. But I appreciate this site so very much.