Personally, I had to stop waiting for some "magic moment" to stop. There was to be no bottom, no parting of the clouds, no beeping noises, I just had to embrace the itchy feelings of early sobriety with the faith that they would go away and they did. Now I've hit the AV with the proverbial frying pan enough times that he never pokes his head out anymore. It is NOT easy but it is so worth it. Take drinking off the option list forever. One day at a time becomes easier when you know that you are not holding your breath until the next drink. As far as being ashamed of your drunken exploits, don't you dare use that as an excuse to drink. Your "sordid past" will just make your sobriety seem that much more glorious to you and all those around you.