Hello Shanman,
Your drinking behaviors sound exactly like mine by the time I got to 'the end'. I drank for 40 years. Your drinking behaviors, and especially the fears and anxiety, is described exactly as you describe it in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.
Please note - it is very easy to dismiss the Book and the Program of AA for many, many, reasons - which if your drinking behavior matches mine and as described in the book - My many 'reasons' were only excuses and self-justification to remain in my self-justified drinking state of mental insanity. Problem is, as you well state ... it continues to GET WORSE.
Good News! The Book, and the Program HAVE THE SOLUTION ... but it takes WORKING THE 12 STEPS thoroughly. I am now FREE from the obsession and craving cycles of drinking, which for me is an absolute MIRACLE. The fears and anxiety are most likely only symptons from the effects of alcohol abuse by a person with the 'condition' of being Alcoholic. Much like the symptoms a person with Diabetes suffers if they don't regulate their sugar and insulin levels.
So, again, the GREAT NEWS. The AA Program works, but you have to Work it thoroughly. The book has Promises throughout it, that absolutely come true.
My suggestions - and it takes DOING THEM:
+ Do an online search for Recovery Speakers - there are many, and most are free. I suggest finding messages based on the 12 Steps, and listen to many of them, starting with Step 1 and go thru Step 12.
+ Get the book Alcoholics Anonymous and read it daily, starting with The Doctors Opinion.
+ Get involved with local AA Groups. Especially try to find Book Study meetings. When you attend, ask the Chair Person to introduce you to some of the people who have worked the steps. If AA meetings aren't a good option, or if there are not enough 'good' meetings available, do an online search for online Step Studies.
+ Check with a Doc that is an Addiction Specialist, or that has a very good background and knowledge of Addiction, especially Alcoholism. MANY times the psycho-meds just mask the symptoms, and create additional levels of Addictions. When I finally got FREE from the Alcohol and Addiction problems, the program also helped me get FREE from the Fears and Anxieties. It is wonderful to finally be FREE from all the stuff.
+ Continue to be involved with this website.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... after years of struggling and trying many ways to 'moderate' and to stop altogether.