"This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish."
"Pull yourself together man! Just don't drink!" But I can't do that. I lack the power. This is deflation at depth. Utter defeat.
My sobriety was the result of working the steps, and it came about when I gave up on not drinking, which was really another way of trying to control my drinking anyway, and began looking for a relationship with a God I had no feeling for. I was defeated, I knew I couldn't solve this problem, and I accepted that God could and would if He were sought.
My sponsor called to tell me I had been sober for three moths. A complete surprise to me. I had gone all that time without the need to drink. The thought had hardly entered my head.