Thanks Gotta,
I think I understand what you mean.
I'm past the 72 hour mark - after the acute withdrawal phase I don't have a problem staying sober... For a few months...
The three times I've relapsed after quitting were in a bar or restaurant setting.
I was a high end bartender for 10 years and going out to eat for me is synonymous with drinking because I had SO many friends in the industry and loved going out to nice restaurants and experiencing the mixology and paired food.
The alcoholism actually happened after I quit my job due to an unknown (at the time) mold illness.
I was home all day in the mold after that and sick as a dog and I used alcohol to cope. It progressed to full on alcoholism after that.
I think for me - learning a completely new way of life - who I "thought I was" needs to happen.
And it can happen. We are not obligated to be the people we were yesterday much less a few years ago.
I don't want to be the hip, cool, respected bartender anymore where I walk into a $50 a plate restaurant and my drinks are comped on the spot - then walk to another high end bar and have shots poured for me by the time I sat down.
It seems glamours - but I assure you there's nothing glamorous about passing out and puking and ending up in the ER. That will strip away your false EGO real quick.
I need to come to terms with the fact that that's not my life anymore - that I've grown up. That I WANT different things for myself.
I want to go back to school. I have more to offer the world than an expertly crafted Manhattan.
That being a bartender SEEMS cool - but being a respected PHD is cooler.
That I want to be a good Aunt to my niece who lives with my currently alcoholic mother and who's parents aren't around.
That I will learn to enjoy the things I thought I had to be drinking to enjoy - sober. Like party's and concerts and beaches.
That what really makes those things special is the human interaction - and that while alcohol is a social lubricant ... It also numbs us from each other and from real experiences. That children don't need alcohol to have fun for a reason. That adults are too hung up on social constructs and pressures to let lose without being sedated.
That one drink isn't worth my life. And that alcoholism is inherently a completely selfish and self loathing affliction. That I don't want to be selfish anymore. That so many doors can open up to me - if only I step back from my inebriated haze long enough to open them .. Before it's too late.
I have way too much to offer the world then to be another casualty.
I can reinvent myself - I can be the sober, healthy, fun, and self confidant woman I want to be. No apologies to anyone who is uncomfortable changing their perception of me.
I can be brave. I can put down the bottle and grab life by the horns.
The hard part is the months down the line when I think "Oh isn't this a nice summers day out on the patio of this restaurant - wouldn't a margarita be fantastic?"
I have to remember that I said that before - multiple times - I thought I could just socially drink again. And every time I ended up back in the ER a few months or years later.
It's about 77 hours sober now.
The acute stage has passed. And now - life begins.
Now it's one day at a time.