"At certain times the alcoholic has no effective mental defence against the first drink. Neither he nor any human power can provide such a defence. It mus come from a power greater than himself" or words to that effect are found in the Big Book of AA. They were true for me, though the best I managed was a few months, and more usually, a few hours.
Where were all the sane thoughts that would stop you drinking. Obviously they didn't come to mind. Same for me. We have similar experience with lack of defence, and I'm here to say there is a solution. And it's probably available in your neighbourhood.
All the best