lizatola

I truly hope that my message today comes across as inspirational and that someone gleans hope and a glimmer of faith from what I'm about to share.

Today, I was shedding happy tears. I was watching my bf's kids play with my son and the 5 of us (my bf, me, my son, and his 2 young girls) were just hanging out at his house as a family....which we tend to do often anyway. But, today my heart felt full. I finally felt certain that I knew I wanted to move in with him, that I finally believed it when he told me he loved me and that he means it when he texts me the same. Not that I didn't believe it, but I think I was blocking it because I just wasn't quite sure I could believe that I was lovable.....I knew I was lovable, I KNOW I deserve love, but something was holding me back. Yet, my heart was warmed when his 10 year old curled up with me when I was talking to her on her bed earlier and she just wanted a hug (she was stung by a bee earlier that day) and wanted to ask me what art projects we could do this weekend. I had tears in my eyes when I saw his 8 year old conspiring with my 17 year old on how they would sneak up on us while watching The Voice tonight. She engages him and he plays along and she says he's her buddy but that she still loves me, too. She is a pistol, but man, I'm crazy about all of them!

I finally texted my landlord to tell them we were planning on moving in together and that I didn't want to screw them or leave them hanging. I didn't know what to expect and told them I could finish up the lease if they needed me to. They were happy for me, they wished me well, they knew I would move on and said I was a fantastic tenant and just want to see us happy as a family. Aww....my heart melted a little bit more, you know?

But, 18 months ago I was moving out and leaving my 20 year marriage. I was unhealthy, having back pain and headaches, and stomach issues, and was jumpy and on edge. I had no job, a VERY angry, unstable, and emotionally abusive soon to be ex alcoholic husband, and hadn't even filed the divorce papers yet even though I had been emotionally removed from the marriage for many years and was in recovery for 3 years before I actually got off the dang fence and took the leap. I trusted that life would unfold as God deemed right for me. I had no idea what the next year and a half would hold.

That trust came from within. I had inner peace but man, did it come at a price. It meant I had to give up being a martyr, I had to let go of being a victim, I had to take responsibility for myself. And, the worst part was this lesson: I learned that I had to take myself with me....EVERY FREAKING place I went and every relationship I was in. I couldn't leave my dysfunctional self at the doorstep of my ex's house....I had to actually deal with myself and face my fears (which I still have to work on daily because it is who I am......I have fears that must always be talked down, readdressed, and unwound).

It has not been easy......I wish I could say that it was. And, some days I still want to go running for the hills and hide from myself, from my goddamn fears, and from my needy selfish ego. But, I don't. I stay, I work on myself, I pray, I go to meetings, I call my sponsor, I find serenity, and I accept that God has me right where he wants me.

Today, I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend: not because it helps me financially or because it's a beautiful brand new home.......but, because I love him and because the kids are ready and because my son is ready and because we are all excited to do this and we all love each other, too. I am on my second job and back in the financial services industry and I love it. I work with great people, love the team I am with and feel at home there.

I still have credit card debt, I still owe money on my car, and I am still dealing with the craziness from my ex. He is currently refusing to pay for my son's school expenses next year and I'm probably going to have to take him back to court. So, life may not be pretty. It's NEVER perfect and somedays I'm overwhelmed with grief for my son and what he has to deal with in regards to his father and it overpowers the peace and serenity I am blessed with......but that's OK....because I have learned that everything is temporary, that God can always be trusted, and that tomorrow is another day.

Hugs to everyone here!