I too am amazed at how I'm still here sometimes....I've had just about every wild night you could imagine......looking back at my pattern of drinking...the destructive behavior changes through the years, but it's always there.....initially it was finding myself in "what happened?" situations with dudes....wondering if I had cheated....then it was driving drunk ALL the time...now it's been releasing rage in the form of text message......i'm just glad I'm seeing it as a pattern of destructive behavior....and the common denominator is alcohol per usual. Changing one thing can fix so much in your life!