Good morning, I am a recovering addict, addictions including Cocaine, Weed, Gambling and Alcohol. I recently posted on the success stories forum after feeling super about reaching just over a year addiction free:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-wesley26.html
However today I feel hopeless and scared, angry and paranoid. Anxious and alone. I relapsed 3 days after posting my Success Story and feel like a complete failure.
I was feeling great last week, I was still working on my recovery to a degree. However come Friday, it was a friends birthday (30th), one of my old friends who I had seen on and off for my whole time in recovery with no relapses occurring. I relapsed massively, although I believe I didn't have any drugs (coke or weed) I drank to oblivion, I have complete black out of the evening and woke early Saturday morning on the floor in my parents porch (I live with my 8 month pregnant girlfriend), I wondered what the **** had happened, my dad then came through and explained my girlfriend had phoned him at 2am Saturday morning saying I had not come home and that when she rang my I was telling her to **** off and that I wasn't coming home, I didn't need her..... My dad then came and picked me up along with my 19 year old brother, what ensued this I feel terrible about, I had to be physically pinned to the ground at my girlfriends house by my dad and brother and taken away by them as my girlfriend didn't feel safe. She has never seen me like this and I feel awful.
Suicide is on my mind, although they're not strong urges (think I just feel like I deserve to be dead for who I am) I cannot bear to think of what I am... That addiction will always exert it's power on me. It'll get me when I'm not looking and I will destroy everything. I have been forgiven by my family and expecting girlfriend, they really do mean the world to me, however I am struggling to shake these feelings of aloneness, and shame most of all. I know I have to move past this and make a plan to not let this happen again, to adjust my recovery to avoid the triggers. However I cannot forgive myself right now, I am so scared that that person still resides in me. I am now on my new 3rd day of sobriety.............