New to this, looking for insight and advice
I am looking for a safe place to share my experience and hopefully receive some helpful insight and advice.
9 months ago my husband of 6 years revealed that he has been addicted to cocaine for 14 years. He worked hard to hide this addiction from family and friends, only his best friend knew.
I always knew something was off and had a hard time trusting him. I suspected more of a mental health difficulty like Bipolar disorder based on his constant rollercoaster of moods.
After he told me we took a few days apart and I told him that I would try to support his recovery as he is a good father to our daughter and we were about to welcome another baby soon. I did state that I didn't know if our marriage could survive this and let him know that my zero tolerance for drugs(which I had made clear at the very beginning of our relationship) stands.
He was able to remain sober for about three months. He had a therapist and a psychiatrist to help him address addiction and underlying mental health issues(ADHD, anxiety and depression).
I had strong suspicions that he was lying and using again, however did not have proof until January. When confronted he became suicidal, spending a week in a psychiatric ward and a further 18 days in Rehab. I made it clear that we have work to do if our marriage was going to survive this but gave him the chance to prove to me that he can remain sober and create a healthy, strong marriage.
I have been doing my best to rely on my supports and cope with all of this in positive ways. What I continue to struggle with is obviously finding the courage or ability to trust him again. I wonder if I am just setting myself up for failure, another relapse. I know I am holding back from our marriage out of fear of getting hurt again. I still feel angry that I didn't get to choose this situation, that he chose this for me and has put me through all of this.
What keeps me staying in this marriage is that I care very much about him and his welfare. We have 2 young children together who deserve a healthy 2 parent family and positive role models. I fully admit that the anger and resentment that I am carrying towards him is affecting our family.
The irony of all of this is that I am an educated woman who works in the field of mental health and addiction. I am usually the one to hear these stories and help people through their tough situations but now that I am the one with this story I am at a loss as to how to move forward toward a healthy relationship and happiness.
Any feedback is appreciated.