Magichappens

For years, I had limited contact. I felt terrible guilt. People would ask, "How are your parents?" I couldn't bare to tell them I hadn't seen them in forever. I was embarrassed. I didn't see what my family had done as abuse. I thought I was somehow at fault. When I finally realized how badly I had been damaged, it was a no-brainer. No one is going to make me feel bad about a decision to stay out of an abusive situation. It is real.

No one would tell me to go see someone who beat me, held a gun to my head, or raped me. Why is this any different? It is worse. Physical wounds are seen and can heal. What this is is invisible and messes you up for the rest of your life. I am the only one who has the right to an opinion about this. Everyone else can take a flying leap.

I don't discuss my family. If it comes up, I either tell people I was abused, or if they are a friend of the family, I tell them I don't discuss my family anymore. They don't understand, but they wouldn't if I spent days explaining it either. I doubt they would believe me, because of the narcissistic nature of my father. He is the most charming person you will ever meet, until you don't idolize him anymore. Then he will just move on.

The only reason I can stick to it is that I was horrified to realize I was abused, I have abused myself, I have abused others, and I have allowed others to abuse me. As long as I continue to have contact with them, that all continues.

None of us deserve what has been done to us. We are God's children. We deserve love, peace and happiness. If this is what it takes to get that, I am willing to do it. Again, sorry if it sounds like a rant. A year is not a long time to understand a lifetime of abuse, so I am still very emotional about it. Hugs, Magic